Sunday, October 28, 2007



I’ve pretty much given up on Halloween.
It’s not like I don’t like it. I do. I love the idea of one day a year you get to dress up in stupid costumes and no one can arrest you. It shows that people still want to do silly things, even if organized to death.
I also love the idea that one day a year it’s ok to give kids tooth rotting garbage that isn’t in any way good for them. It shows that deep down we don’t really like kids.
And that’s the rub, isn’t it?
We don’t like kids. Or, to be more precise, I don’t like kids at Halloween.
Ever since I moved into a house, and had a chance to participate in the giving side of Halloween for the first time in my life, I’ve had a rule. No costume, no candy.
It’s my part of the Halloween contract, you see. On this one day of the year I give you candy, but you, in turn, must therefore wear a costume to receive said candy.
So, if a kid comes to my door and doesn’t have a costume, then I ask them what they are dressed up as. It’s their last chance to show me you’ve done the least that is required in the giver/receiver Halloween contract.
More often than not … actually every freakin’ time the answer is “I dunno!” or “Nothing.”
And so I uphold my end of the deal. No costume, no candy.
Apparently this is a problem with some kids, and some parents.
Apparently it’s just about free candy. Period.
Which means it’s me who is being the sucker. I spend a hundred bucks on candy to give away to lazy, ungrateful brats and their parents who validate this behaviour.
And so, for the second year in a row, I am boycotting Halloween. I am turning off all of the lights and hiding in the bedroom. I may even watch a scary movie, but I doubt it.
And I encourage you to do it too.
Let’s all turn off our lights. Let’s all not answer the door. Let’s all say in unison “Hey you ungrateful little brat. I’ve got candy and you have to freakin’ beg for it!”
And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Ok, not really.
There is another part of the giver/receiver contract that we should also uphold.
It’s the “Trick or treat” part.
Those kids come to our door. They say “Trick or treat” and we just give a treat and give a pass on the whole “trick” part.
No more I say!
I say we all learn one magic trick. I know one that’s somewhat easy and will only cost about five bucks.
Then, when the kids do the “trick or treat” bit, we do the trick.
And nothing more.
Hey, if they didn’t expect a trick, then they shouldn’t have asked for one.
And it saves you about $95.00.
Sounds like a good deal to me.

Next post: How to get rotten eggs off your window … and garage … and roof … and, well pretty much anywhere on your house.
Stupid, selfish, non-trick wanting brats.

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