Sunday, October 28, 2007



I’ve pretty much given up on Halloween.
It’s not like I don’t like it. I do. I love the idea of one day a year you get to dress up in stupid costumes and no one can arrest you. It shows that people still want to do silly things, even if organized to death.
I also love the idea that one day a year it’s ok to give kids tooth rotting garbage that isn’t in any way good for them. It shows that deep down we don’t really like kids.
And that’s the rub, isn’t it?
We don’t like kids. Or, to be more precise, I don’t like kids at Halloween.
Ever since I moved into a house, and had a chance to participate in the giving side of Halloween for the first time in my life, I’ve had a rule. No costume, no candy.
It’s my part of the Halloween contract, you see. On this one day of the year I give you candy, but you, in turn, must therefore wear a costume to receive said candy.
So, if a kid comes to my door and doesn’t have a costume, then I ask them what they are dressed up as. It’s their last chance to show me you’ve done the least that is required in the giver/receiver Halloween contract.
More often than not … actually every freakin’ time the answer is “I dunno!” or “Nothing.”
And so I uphold my end of the deal. No costume, no candy.
Apparently this is a problem with some kids, and some parents.
Apparently it’s just about free candy. Period.
Which means it’s me who is being the sucker. I spend a hundred bucks on candy to give away to lazy, ungrateful brats and their parents who validate this behaviour.
And so, for the second year in a row, I am boycotting Halloween. I am turning off all of the lights and hiding in the bedroom. I may even watch a scary movie, but I doubt it.
And I encourage you to do it too.
Let’s all turn off our lights. Let’s all not answer the door. Let’s all say in unison “Hey you ungrateful little brat. I’ve got candy and you have to freakin’ beg for it!”
And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Ok, not really.
There is another part of the giver/receiver contract that we should also uphold.
It’s the “Trick or treat” part.
Those kids come to our door. They say “Trick or treat” and we just give a treat and give a pass on the whole “trick” part.
No more I say!
I say we all learn one magic trick. I know one that’s somewhat easy and will only cost about five bucks.
Then, when the kids do the “trick or treat” bit, we do the trick.
And nothing more.
Hey, if they didn’t expect a trick, then they shouldn’t have asked for one.
And it saves you about $95.00.
Sounds like a good deal to me.

Next post: How to get rotten eggs off your window … and garage … and roof … and, well pretty much anywhere on your house.
Stupid, selfish, non-trick wanting brats.

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Saturday, September 29, 2007




Has it really been that long?
Wow, have I been lazy.

Let’s jump right back in by discussing the …. I mean this …
*sigh* I’m stuck again.

I was going to do something about the Ontario Provincial Election, but I discovered I could sum that up like this:

Dalton McGinty – Liberals – Liar.
John Tory – Conservative – Idiot.
Howard Hampton – NDP – Ummmmmmmm … he’s kinda …… hmmmmmm
Some Guy – Green Party – Kinda reminds me of Anthony Stewart Head without the look of intellect behind his eyes.
Other groups – Deluded.

I’m not going to tell you how to vote, because I can’t. I don’t like anyone here and am dreading election day.

Oh yeah, we’re having a referendum also. I highly encourage you all to vote “Maybe” and see those guy’s at City TV work their way through that.

Then I was thinking of doing something on Britney Spears, but I think I have to get drunk for that one.

And then I figured I may be able to do something on the latest science on global warming, but it’s almost October and still 20 degrees outside. Damn.

But I have it. Something we all can agree on.

I’ll take Betty over Veronica any day.
Mary Anne over Ginger.
Bailey over Jennifer.
Willow over Buffy.
Lily over Robin.
The second Becky over the first Becky.
Betty over Wilma.

There. I said it and it’s out there. Take it as your will.

Next post: The gospel according to “How I met your mother.”

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Tuesday, September 26, 2006


Rock and Roll Fantasies 2.

Continuing the new laws I have written to bring Rock and Roll back to it's former glory.
You can read part one HERE

Law 21: If you are a female singer, you are no longer allowed to sing "Mercedes Benz" or "Another Little Piece of My Heart." It's been done to death, and probably by better singers than you.

Law 22: Unless the name of your band is Boston, any ten year gap between albums is an automatic retirement.

Law 23: There is no choreography in Rock and Roll.

Law 24: Any song with a political statement must be a good song first and foremost. Are you listening Bruce Cockburn?

Law 25: Actors can no longer release albums. Musicians can no longer act. Once you cross that line you can never go back.

Law 26: To be called Rock and Roll you must destroy at least three hotel rooms in a span of five years.

Law 27: It is no longer enough for parody albums to be good (The Ruttles second album) or funny (Spinal Tap's second album). A parody album must be good and funny. (The Ruttles and Spinal Tap's first albums.)

Law 28: (Paul McCartney's Law.) If you publicly announce that you cannot read or write musical notations, do not be surprised if the world goes "Well, that explains it."

Law 29: Everyone who still considers themselves a hippie will be placed in a cryogenic freezing tube and only revived when either a: Being a hippie is back in style or b: The end of the world. Whichever comes first.

Law 30: Neil Young must finally make up his mind for good. Is he in CSNY or not?

Law 31: You are allowed only one (1) sequel to a previous album. Breaking this law means you have to change your name to Meatloaf.

Law 32: One album of duets is fine, two is acceptable, after that you are washed up.

Law 33: The number of Greatest hits albums is directly proportional to how washed up you are. Do you hear me Chicago!?!?!?!

Law 34: Spirituality is fine. Push it too far and you'll end up making duet albums. (See Law 32 and Santana.)

Law 35: Merchandising is fine. Pushing it too far means you'll end up with something called the Kiss Army.

Law 36: The Grateful Dead is done, over, kaput. Any band that tries to be the new Grateful Dead is hereby punished by getting The Grateful Dead's fans.

Law 37: You don't tell me how to vote, I won't tell you you were washed up fifteen years ago. Agreed?

Law 38: You are allowed to sign one (1) song of yours to be a TV commercial. More than one and you must shave your head, spout pseudo-political and pseudo-philosophical rantings and become a dance music vegetarian. Helooooooooo Moby!

Law 38: You are allowed to sign only one (1) song of yours into a TV theme song. This law does not count if the TV show features men dressed as women.

Law 39: One song is a tribute. Two songs is weird. Three songs is a potential stalker. An entire album is grounds for the insanity plea. I'm looking at you Oasis!

Law 40: Yelling "Rock And Roll" at the beginning of a party shows your age. That is punishment enough.

And there you have it folks. Forty laws that I feel will bring Rock and Roll back to life. Do I expect anyone to follow those laws? nope. Why? Money. Money drives business and business is what Rock and Roll is these days.
Which brings me to the final law.

Law 41: Rock and Roll was the rage against the machine. The voice of the generation that was going to change the world. For everyone who was there and doing it and are now not doing it, your punishment is the most severe. You get to live in the world that, face it, you made.
Have a good day.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006


Rock and Roll Fantasies.

Like most people I have a soundtrack to my life. That soundtrack is Rock and Roll. Thanks to my brother Brian I grew up on it. (Although I still say The Who is better than Zepplin.)
There are times I look back and remember the soundtrack with the moments. Like The Who's "We Won't Get Fooled Again" that I listened to before each and every High School exam. Or Rock & Hyde's classic yet little known album "Under The Volcano" that was THE album for me in High School.
How about Pink Floyd's "Another Brick In The Wall: Part Two" that all the kids in grade school kept singing, not realising that there was a whole concept album behind it that I, and only I, out of all those grade schoolers, had listened to.
How about this. Brian had a book of interviews from the Rolling Stone magazine. I borrowed the book and was reading it on the bus to school. Another kid saw what I was reading and proudly proclaimed "I hate the Rolling Stones!"
And yet that music I love so much has grown up around me and is no longer the same as I remember it. Like most middle agers it has grown a bit around the waist and slowed down a bit.
But I have the solution. I know where to cut the fat and make Rock and Roll what it once was.
And it is with this that I proudly present Gord's Laws of Rock and Roll #'s One to Twenty.

Law One: Any song that uses the phrase Rock and Roll in a positive sense MUST be a genuine Rock and Roll song. (Aj and Aly, I am looking at you!)

Law Two: Rap is not Rock and Roll. Rap is it's own thing so don't insult both of them by placing them together. Just give Rap it's own damn hall of fame.

Law Three: No one, no where, at no time may cover American Pie again! (Thanks to Madonna for ruining that one for us.)

Law Four: Any Rock and Roller who releases two consecutive albums of mostly slow music can no longer be called a Rock and Roller. (Goodbye Bruce Springsteen.)

Law Five: There is no such thing as New (or Neo) Punk. You are Punk or you are not Punk. End of story.

Law Six: No band formed after 1977 can call itself Punk. The Sex Pistols were Punk. The Clash were Punk. Green Day is not Punk.

Law Seven: Hair Metal will hereby stay dead.

Law Eight: U2 no longer has the moral authority to perform any song from their first five albums. Infraction of this law comes with a punishment of listening to the complete political speeches of Bono in one sitting. (That'll teach him.)

Law Nine: The 80's New Wave never happened. Do you hear me, IT NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!

Law Ten: Any hot guitar chick who becomes a fat bloated guitar chick is hereby forced into retirement.

Law Eleven: Double standards still apply.

Law Twelve: Country, in any form, is not Rock and Roll. I don't care what you thought of Johnny Cash.

Law Thirteen: (Otherwise known as Rod Stewart's Law) You are allowed one (1) album of standards before you will be shot.

Law Fourteen: Any musician or group that compares any of his/her/it's music to any Beatles album will hereby be stripped, shackled and have rotten fruit pelted at them. This goes double if you name is Paul McCartney.

Law Fifteen: Paul McCartney must stop! NOW!

Law Sixteen: Appearance on a reality show is an automatic ejection. (And not the good type.)

Law Seventeen: Multiple wives/lovers at one time stops being cool after fifty. Yes Mick Jagger, I'm pointing at you.

Law Eighteen: No person/band can call it's album by the color on the front. It's been done to death by better people than you.

Law Nineteen: The Eagles touring is no longer interesting.

Law Twenty: If a quorum of your band's members are dead, you can no longer call your band by the same name. (Are you listening The Who?)

Next Post: Oh yes, I have more.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006


McDonalds Bitch, Bitch, Bitch.

McDonalds Bitch, Bitch, Bitch.

Something caught my eye this week.  It was a posting by a female (Woman? Girl?  Probably a girl.) at a website called Fast Food News.  Her name is Joanna and she works at a McDonalds in Walker, Louisiana.  Joanna has posted a list of “McRules”, otherwise known as “Things not to do when visiting McDonalds.”
Ladies and Gentlemen, this female (Woman? Girl?  Probably girl.) is the exact reason I do not go to McDonalds anymore.
It’s really simple.  I’m a nice guy.  I worked in both retail and in the restaurant business so I know how crappy people can be.  When I go to a store or a restaurant I am very nice.  I understand, I smile, I joke, I tip well.  If something goes wrong I do not blow my top.
But I can only take so much, and this my friends is it.  This list of things not to do at McDonalds blows my mind.
Instead of ranting and raving, I will post a few points on the list and reply as they apply to me.
Her post is in italics.  I have not changes the spelling or grammar of her points.

Don't confuse franchises! We don't Biggie size, we don't have onion rings or nachos, and may not "Have it your way."

Nice to know the worlds problems have been solved enough for you to care enough about this little thing.  But you know what, if I want to “Biggie Size”. “Jumbo Size” or “Just fucking give me the big stuff!” I will because I am (wait for it) the customer.  It’s my money paying your salary and I will order whatever way I want.

If you ordered a burger without pickles and they somehow ended up there anyway... just pick them off because that's all I'm going to do when you bring it back to me to "fix it."

No, I will bring it back and get you to do it, for it was YOUR job to make sure they didn’t get there in the first place.  But hey, if you are willing to knock a few cents off my order for me doing your job, I’ll take it.
BTW:  I always order no pickles and no onions.  The onions are chopped and sprinkled over the cheese so that when I get the burger they are part of a big old ketchup/cheese/onion mess.  Am I expected to go through the burger with a magnifying glass and tweasers to remove that which should not have been there in the first place?
No pickles, no onions.  If you do your job we don’t have a problem, if you don’t do your job then I will dam well make sure you do!

Don't come into the lobby two minutes before we close. Chances are I've already cleaned, and it will only cause me to do unspeakable things to your (already stale) food.”

Two minutes before closed is still open.  I don’t care if you had just washed the walls to a gleeming shine.  Open is open and when you are open you should be prepared to make food.

If you don't see tomatoes on the sandwich in the picture don't [f#@%ing] ask me to take them off. The Big Mac has been around for ages... it doesn't have tomatoes.”

Wha??????  Who cares?  If I ask for no tomatoes just ignore it and it will go away.  Seriously, you are investing too much of your life in this job.

When I hand you your food and say "Have a nice day," you better respond with a smile, a "Thanks, you too," or at least acknowledge my existence. Its called being polite people.Wow.”

Yeah, the same kind of polite you have been on this post.  So what if I don’t reply?  What are you gonna do?  And why is my acknowledging your existance so damn important to you?  

If you dont speak english well, bring an interpreter.. if not dont get upset when your order gets messed up.”

Ah yes, it’s the immigrants fault.  No wonder no one acknowledges your existence.

Keep your sweaty, wrinkly bills to yourself, along with your sticky change.”

Sweaty, wrinkly bills are still legal tender.  You’ll take them and be happy someone has acknowledged your existence.

Please dont order a combo and then when i ask what kind of drink you tell me you dont want one. that defeats the whole purpose of ordering a fucking combo idiot!”

I will order what I want HOW I want.  You will take the order how I give it too you.  That’s how this relationship works.

After you pay, proceed to the next window if noone is in front of you.. Our buisness is over.”

I thought you wanted us to acknowledge your existence?

Please learn what time breakfast ends and lunch starts. no .. i dont serve burritos all day. This is not jack-in-the-box.”

No.  It’s not my job to memorize your menu by ingredients, learn when you are open and when you no longer serve what.  If I ask for a breakfast item at two in the afternoon all you have to say is “breakfast is no longer being served.”  What is that, three seconds out of your non acknowledged life?

If your card is declined.. dont ask why and assume its our fault. Put some damn money in the bank cheap ass.”

Except sometimes it is your fault.  So why not just double check and make a customer happy.

Do realize that i can hear everything you say from the moment you pull up to the speaker till you drive off. so if you're talking shit , dont act so suprised when im not exactly friendly when you get to the window.”

You know what, I don’t care if I am talking about the mean, nasty, ugly things your mother and I got up to last night, you will smile and be polite because it is YOUR JOB!!!!!!!!!

“If im busy taking an order, dont put your money on the ledge and not expect me to do the same thing with your change.”

I expect you to do what is best for the customer.  Is it really that hard for you to understand this?

“I fucking know what PLAIN means.. dont feel the need to include that means "meat and cheese only!"”

That’s funny, because I can think of at least five times in the last year when you didn’t know what “no pickles, no onions” meant.

“Dont order a large ice cream cone.. they're all one size.”

Again, it’s not my job to memorize your menu.

“Dont come through drive thru and then tell the manager at the 2nd window that i was rushing you. Drive thru is SUPPOSED to be fast.”

No, it’s supposed to be right first, fast second.  Again, five times in the last year.

“If you see me having a conversation for a few seconds with the car in front of you.. dont be an asshole and honk your horn.. you will get your food soon enough, chances are it isent even bagged yet.”

I thought drive through was supposed to be fast?

“DONT TALK SHIT as you are leaving the first window. I still have another window i can catch you at..and trust me I WILL.!”

And then you will be fired.  Feel better now?

Listen, as I said above I am a good customer.  I don’t ask for much, but crap like this bothers me.  I hope this person is found out and fired, because she doesn’t deserve to work at McDonalds … or maybe she does.  Can you think of any better punishment?

Tuesday, August 01, 2006


An Inconvenient Way To Make Money.

An Inconvenient Way To Make Money.

Global warming has been in the news a lot lately, thanks to former American Vice President Al Gore and his movie “An Inconvenient Truth.”
To say this movie has stirred up debate is an understatement.  People from both sides of the political spectrum have come out swinging.  Unfortunately the arguments have been predictable.  Left wingers say global warming is a fact while right wingers say global warming is a myth.
And Al Gore, well this message on global calamity has gotten his face on TV, newspapers and on the cover of countless magazines.
I’m not here to tell you the “truth” about global warming, mainly because I don’t know.  But being who I am I thought I’d look at this matter from a different way.  Instead of looking at the message, I thought I’d look at the messenger.
We all know who Al Gore is.  He is a left wing politician and because of that he kinda has to believe in global warming.  But there is something else about Al Gore and this global warming thing I don’t much care for.
You see since Al Gore has been out of political life he has begun giving lectures, mostly on global warming.  For those lectures he gets paid very well.
Now, with this movie his profile gets bigger, and it keeps getting bigger with each magazine his face appears on, and for each public personality that stands up and supports Al Gore his profile gets even bigger.
So what does this mean for Al Gore?  Higher lecture fees.  In other words, thanks to global warming Al Gore is profiting.
Do you see?  It doesn’t matter if Al Gore believes in his message or not, that message is now high profile and making him a lot of money.  
So now the question is, can we trust Al Gore?
I say no.  Al Gore cannot be trusted to tell the “truth” (whatever that may be) about Global Warming as long as he is making money at it.
There, I said it and I’m not taking it back.

The thing about global warming that bothers me is science.  No, not THE science, just science in general, or how people depend on science.
It is believed that science gives definite answers.  It does not; it just gives the best answers that it has right now.  
Science and the results thereof, changes all the time.  Once upon a time it was believed that black holes were rare, now science tells us that not only are they plentiful but there may actually be one in our own galaxy.  Science changed the result.
Now don’t think I’m bashing science or scientists, I’m not.  Without them we wouldn’t understand the world around us, but science doesn’t just stop at a single result.
“Hey, this telescope shows that Mars is red, well I guess that’s all we need to know.”
Scientists, god bless ‘em, aren’t happy with just knowing one thing, they keep pushing and pushing until they discover something else, sometimes giving us a new perspective and sometimes changing the very fabric of our existence.
So what does this have to do with global warming?  Well, what science tells us today about the Earth’s temperature may be different than what science tells us tomorrow.  Why?  Because science changes.
Remember, in the 70’s we were headed into a new ice age, now science tells us we’re in global warming.  Who knows what science will tell us tomorrow.

Next post:  What science tells us about breasts today may mean bigger breasts tomorrow.  God bless science.

Saturday, May 27, 2006




Since the dawn of man we have been asking questions about our world and our place in it.  Questions such as who am I?  Why are we here?  Is there a purpose to this thing called life?
I have a few questions myself, and since the interweb has given me this wonderful opportunity to regurgitate words in a public way, I though I would ask a few of them.

Why?  Why, when Madonna actually had a nice, tight body did she wear loose fitting clothing but now, when she’s overflowing with cellulite, she decides to wear clothes so tight you can tell what religion she is?
And while I’m at it, why does Madonna join religions when she’s just going to end up insulting them?

Why?   Why do young actresses decide that they have to be bone skinny?  Since when did having a little fat on you become a bad thing?
And while we’re at it, if these skinny young actresses are a bad influence to our young, then who influenced them to be so skinny?

How?  How do politicians keep fooling us?  They say they’re different than the other guy’s, they say they care, and yet they get into office and turn out to be just like the last guy’s.  They don’t care, they aren’t different and we keep getting fooled.  I swear, elections are just “my mind control ray is better than your mind control ray” contests.

Why?  Why do celebrities think we care what they think about world events?  Just because you can read a script does not mean you are smarter than, say, a guy who works in a factory, or a gas station, or a book store.  Personally, I don’t care what Susan Sarandon or that guy she hangs around with thinks about anything.  I am a grown man, I can make up my own mind so shut up and go away.

Why?  Why do people listen to celebrities?  They wouldn’t keep yapping if someone wasn’t listening.  But let me ask you this, what makes them smarter than you?  Thanks to the internet you can now access the same information they can, which means you can actually go looking and become informed and make up your own damn mind.  So why don’t you?
Oh yeah, and this goes triple for anyone who belongs to the cult of Oprah.  If the whole Million Little Pieces thing blowing up in her face hasn’t told you that she can be just as stupid as anyone else what will?  So she reads, big deal.  A lot of people read, I read, so what makes her choices better than mine?  Oh yeah, I don’t have a TV show.  Pretty picture box makes people better than you.  (Said in caveman grunts.)
By the way, I don’t care how “New age” Oprah drapes her show.  She’s just as exploitive as Jerry Springer.  Think about that!

And finally, Wha???????????
One of my favorite episodes of South Park is the NAMBLA episode.  It is just hilarious.  I re-watched it today and decided to engage my curiosity and go to the NAMBLA website.
Here it comes folks.  It turns out that NAMBLA has come out against the Iraq War.
Yes, it’s here. . NAMBLA opposes the war.  I don’t know how to react to this.  It is just ludicrous in concept but … but … I don’t know where to go from here.  It’s just blowing my … it’s making my head sp … I can’t even use a turn of phrase to describe my feeling without it turning dirty.
I guess the best way to express how I feel is to repeat WHAAAAAA????????????????????????

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