Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Rock and Roll Fantasies 2.
Continuing the new laws I have written to bring Rock and Roll back to it's former glory.
You can read part one HERE
Law 21: If you are a female singer, you are no longer allowed to sing "Mercedes Benz" or "Another Little Piece of My Heart." It's been done to death, and probably by better singers than you.
Law 22: Unless the name of your band is Boston, any ten year gap between albums is an automatic retirement.
Law 23: There is no choreography in Rock and Roll.
Law 24: Any song with a political statement must be a good song first and foremost. Are you listening Bruce Cockburn?
Law 25: Actors can no longer release albums. Musicians can no longer act. Once you cross that line you can never go back.
Law 26: To be called Rock and Roll you must destroy at least three hotel rooms in a span of five years.
Law 27: It is no longer enough for parody albums to be good (The Ruttles second album) or funny (Spinal Tap's second album). A parody album must be good and funny. (The Ruttles and Spinal Tap's first albums.)
Law 28: (Paul McCartney's Law.) If you publicly announce that you cannot read or write musical notations, do not be surprised if the world goes "Well, that explains it."
Law 29: Everyone who still considers themselves a hippie will be placed in a cryogenic freezing tube and only revived when either a: Being a hippie is back in style or b: The end of the world. Whichever comes first.
Law 30: Neil Young must finally make up his mind for good. Is he in CSNY or not?
Law 31: You are allowed only one (1) sequel to a previous album. Breaking this law means you have to change your name to Meatloaf.
Law 32: One album of duets is fine, two is acceptable, after that you are washed up.
Law 33: The number of Greatest hits albums is directly proportional to how washed up you are. Do you hear me Chicago!?!?!?!
Law 34: Spirituality is fine. Push it too far and you'll end up making duet albums. (See Law 32 and Santana.)
Law 35: Merchandising is fine. Pushing it too far means you'll end up with something called the Kiss Army.
Law 36: The Grateful Dead is done, over, kaput. Any band that tries to be the new Grateful Dead is hereby punished by getting The Grateful Dead's fans.
Law 37: You don't tell me how to vote, I won't tell you you were washed up fifteen years ago. Agreed?
Law 38: You are allowed to sign one (1) song of yours to be a TV commercial. More than one and you must shave your head, spout pseudo-political and pseudo-philosophical rantings and become a dance music vegetarian. Helooooooooo Moby!
Law 38: You are allowed to sign only one (1) song of yours into a TV theme song. This law does not count if the TV show features men dressed as women.
Law 39: One song is a tribute. Two songs is weird. Three songs is a potential stalker. An entire album is grounds for the insanity plea. I'm looking at you Oasis!
Law 40: Yelling "Rock And Roll" at the beginning of a party shows your age. That is punishment enough.
And there you have it folks. Forty laws that I feel will bring Rock and Roll back to life. Do I expect anyone to follow those laws? nope. Why? Money. Money drives business and business is what Rock and Roll is these days.
Which brings me to the final law.
Law 41: Rock and Roll was the rage against the machine. The voice of the generation that was going to change the world. For everyone who was there and doing it and are now not doing it, your punishment is the most severe. You get to live in the world that, face it, you made.
Have a good day.
You can read part one HERE
Law 21: If you are a female singer, you are no longer allowed to sing "Mercedes Benz" or "Another Little Piece of My Heart." It's been done to death, and probably by better singers than you.
Law 22: Unless the name of your band is Boston, any ten year gap between albums is an automatic retirement.
Law 23: There is no choreography in Rock and Roll.
Law 24: Any song with a political statement must be a good song first and foremost. Are you listening Bruce Cockburn?
Law 25: Actors can no longer release albums. Musicians can no longer act. Once you cross that line you can never go back.
Law 26: To be called Rock and Roll you must destroy at least three hotel rooms in a span of five years.
Law 27: It is no longer enough for parody albums to be good (The Ruttles second album) or funny (Spinal Tap's second album). A parody album must be good and funny. (The Ruttles and Spinal Tap's first albums.)
Law 28: (Paul McCartney's Law.) If you publicly announce that you cannot read or write musical notations, do not be surprised if the world goes "Well, that explains it."
Law 29: Everyone who still considers themselves a hippie will be placed in a cryogenic freezing tube and only revived when either a: Being a hippie is back in style or b: The end of the world. Whichever comes first.
Law 30: Neil Young must finally make up his mind for good. Is he in CSNY or not?
Law 31: You are allowed only one (1) sequel to a previous album. Breaking this law means you have to change your name to Meatloaf.
Law 32: One album of duets is fine, two is acceptable, after that you are washed up.
Law 33: The number of Greatest hits albums is directly proportional to how washed up you are. Do you hear me Chicago!?!?!?!
Law 34: Spirituality is fine. Push it too far and you'll end up making duet albums. (See Law 32 and Santana.)
Law 35: Merchandising is fine. Pushing it too far means you'll end up with something called the Kiss Army.
Law 36: The Grateful Dead is done, over, kaput. Any band that tries to be the new Grateful Dead is hereby punished by getting The Grateful Dead's fans.
Law 37: You don't tell me how to vote, I won't tell you you were washed up fifteen years ago. Agreed?
Law 38: You are allowed to sign one (1) song of yours to be a TV commercial. More than one and you must shave your head, spout pseudo-political and pseudo-philosophical rantings and become a dance music vegetarian. Helooooooooo Moby!
Law 38: You are allowed to sign only one (1) song of yours into a TV theme song. This law does not count if the TV show features men dressed as women.
Law 39: One song is a tribute. Two songs is weird. Three songs is a potential stalker. An entire album is grounds for the insanity plea. I'm looking at you Oasis!
Law 40: Yelling "Rock And Roll" at the beginning of a party shows your age. That is punishment enough.
And there you have it folks. Forty laws that I feel will bring Rock and Roll back to life. Do I expect anyone to follow those laws? nope. Why? Money. Money drives business and business is what Rock and Roll is these days.
Which brings me to the final law.
Law 41: Rock and Roll was the rage against the machine. The voice of the generation that was going to change the world. For everyone who was there and doing it and are now not doing it, your punishment is the most severe. You get to live in the world that, face it, you made.
Have a good day.
