Wednesday, September 20, 2006


Rock and Roll Fantasies.

Like most people I have a soundtrack to my life. That soundtrack is Rock and Roll. Thanks to my brother Brian I grew up on it. (Although I still say The Who is better than Zepplin.)
There are times I look back and remember the soundtrack with the moments. Like The Who's "We Won't Get Fooled Again" that I listened to before each and every High School exam. Or Rock & Hyde's classic yet little known album "Under The Volcano" that was THE album for me in High School.
How about Pink Floyd's "Another Brick In The Wall: Part Two" that all the kids in grade school kept singing, not realising that there was a whole concept album behind it that I, and only I, out of all those grade schoolers, had listened to.
How about this. Brian had a book of interviews from the Rolling Stone magazine. I borrowed the book and was reading it on the bus to school. Another kid saw what I was reading and proudly proclaimed "I hate the Rolling Stones!"
And yet that music I love so much has grown up around me and is no longer the same as I remember it. Like most middle agers it has grown a bit around the waist and slowed down a bit.
But I have the solution. I know where to cut the fat and make Rock and Roll what it once was.
And it is with this that I proudly present Gord's Laws of Rock and Roll #'s One to Twenty.

Law One: Any song that uses the phrase Rock and Roll in a positive sense MUST be a genuine Rock and Roll song. (Aj and Aly, I am looking at you!)

Law Two: Rap is not Rock and Roll. Rap is it's own thing so don't insult both of them by placing them together. Just give Rap it's own damn hall of fame.

Law Three: No one, no where, at no time may cover American Pie again! (Thanks to Madonna for ruining that one for us.)

Law Four: Any Rock and Roller who releases two consecutive albums of mostly slow music can no longer be called a Rock and Roller. (Goodbye Bruce Springsteen.)

Law Five: There is no such thing as New (or Neo) Punk. You are Punk or you are not Punk. End of story.

Law Six: No band formed after 1977 can call itself Punk. The Sex Pistols were Punk. The Clash were Punk. Green Day is not Punk.

Law Seven: Hair Metal will hereby stay dead.

Law Eight: U2 no longer has the moral authority to perform any song from their first five albums. Infraction of this law comes with a punishment of listening to the complete political speeches of Bono in one sitting. (That'll teach him.)

Law Nine: The 80's New Wave never happened. Do you hear me, IT NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!

Law Ten: Any hot guitar chick who becomes a fat bloated guitar chick is hereby forced into retirement.

Law Eleven: Double standards still apply.

Law Twelve: Country, in any form, is not Rock and Roll. I don't care what you thought of Johnny Cash.

Law Thirteen: (Otherwise known as Rod Stewart's Law) You are allowed one (1) album of standards before you will be shot.

Law Fourteen: Any musician or group that compares any of his/her/it's music to any Beatles album will hereby be stripped, shackled and have rotten fruit pelted at them. This goes double if you name is Paul McCartney.

Law Fifteen: Paul McCartney must stop! NOW!

Law Sixteen: Appearance on a reality show is an automatic ejection. (And not the good type.)

Law Seventeen: Multiple wives/lovers at one time stops being cool after fifty. Yes Mick Jagger, I'm pointing at you.

Law Eighteen: No person/band can call it's album by the color on the front. It's been done to death by better people than you.

Law Nineteen: The Eagles touring is no longer interesting.

Law Twenty: If a quorum of your band's members are dead, you can no longer call your band by the same name. (Are you listening The Who?)

Next Post: Oh yes, I have more.

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