GORD'S RANTS AND RAVES

Halloweenie

2007-10-28T19:05:00.000-04:00

I’ve pretty much given up on Halloween.
It’s not like I don’t like it. I do. I love the idea of one day a year you get to dress up in stupid costumes and no one can arrest you. It shows that people still want to do silly things, even if organized to death.
I also love the idea that one day a year it’s ok to give kids tooth rotting garbage that isn’t in any way good for them. It shows that deep down we don’t really like kids.
And that’s the rub, isn’t it?
We don’t like kids. Or, to be more precise, I don’t like kids at Halloween.
Ever since I moved into a house, and had a chance to participate in the giving side of Halloween for the first time in my life, I’ve had a rule. No costume, no candy.
It’s my part of the Halloween contract, you see. On this one day of the year I give you candy, but you, in turn, must therefore wear a costume to receive said candy.
So, if a kid comes to my door and doesn’t have a costume, then I ask them what they are dressed up as. It’s their last chance to show me you’ve done the least that is required in the giver/receiver Halloween contract.
More often than not … actually every freakin’ time the answer is “I dunno!” or “Nothing.”
And so I uphold my end of the deal. No costume, no candy.
Apparently this is a problem with some kids, and some parents.
Apparently it’s just about free candy. Period.
Which means it’s me who is being the sucker. I spend a hundred bucks on candy to give away to lazy, ungrateful brats and their parents who validate this behaviour.
And so, for the second year in a row, I am boycotting Halloween. I am turning off all of the lights and hiding in the bedroom. I may even watch a scary movie, but I doubt it.
And I encourage you to do it too.
Let’s all turn off our lights. Let’s all not answer the door. Let’s all say in unison “Hey you ungrateful little brat. I’ve got candy and you have to freakin’ beg for it!”
And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Ok, not really.
There is another part of the giver/receiver contract that we should also uphold.
It’s the “Trick or treat” part.
Those kids come to our door. They say “Trick or treat” and we just give a treat and give a pass on the whole “trick” part.
No more I say!
I say we all learn one magic trick. I know one that’s somewhat easy and will only cost about five bucks.
Then, when the kids do the “trick or treat” bit, we do the trick.
And nothing more.
Hey, if they didn’t expect a trick, then they shouldn’t have asked for one.
And it saves you about $95.00.
Sounds like a good deal to me.

Next post: How to get rotten eggs off your window … and garage … and roof … and, well pretty much anywhere on your house.
Stupid, selfish, non-trick wanting brats.

WE'RE BACK, WE'RE BAD.

2007-09-29T14:12:00.000-04:00

WE’RE BACK, WE’RE BAD.

Has it really been that long?
Wow, have I been lazy.

Let’s jump right back in by discussing the …. I mean this …
*sigh* I’m stuck again.

I was going to do something about the Ontario Provincial Election, but I discovered I could sum that up like this:

Dalton McGinty – Liberals – Liar.
John Tory – Conservative – Idiot.
Howard Hampton – NDP – Ummmmmmmm … he’s kinda …… hmmmmmm
Some Guy – Green Party – Kinda reminds me of Anthony Stewart Head without the look of intellect behind his eyes.
Other groups – Deluded.

I’m not going to tell you how to vote, because I can’t. I don’t like anyone here and am dreading election day.

Oh yeah, we’re having a referendum also. I highly encourage you all to vote “Maybe” and see those guy’s at City TV work their way through that.

Then I was thinking of doing something on Britney Spears, but I think I have to get drunk for that one.

And then I figured I may be able to do something on the latest science on global warming, but it’s almost October and still 20 degrees outside. Damn.

But I have it. Something we all can agree on.

I’ll take Betty over Veronica any day.
Mary Anne over Ginger.
Bailey over Jennifer.
Willow over Buffy.
Lily over Robin.
The second Becky over the first Becky.
Betty over Wilma.

There. I said it and it’s out there. Take it as your will.

Next post: The gospel according to “How I met your mother.”

Rock and Roll Fantasies 2.

2006-09-26T13:23:00.000-04:00

Continuing the new laws I have written to bring Rock and Roll back to it's former glory.
You can read part one HERE

Law 21: If you are a female singer, you are no longer allowed to sing "Mercedes Benz" or "Another Little Piece of My Heart." It's been done to death, and probably by better singers than you.

Law 22: Unless the name of your band is Boston, any ten year gap between albums is an automatic retirement.

Law 23: There is no choreography in Rock and Roll.

Law 24: Any song with a political statement must be a good song first and foremost. Are you listening Bruce Cockburn?

Law 25: Actors can no longer release albums. Musicians can no longer act. Once you cross that line you can never go back.

Law 26: To be called Rock and Roll you must destroy at least three hotel rooms in a span of five years.

Law 27: It is no longer enough for parody albums to be good (The Ruttles second album) or funny (Spinal Tap's second album). A parody album must be good and funny. (The Ruttles and Spinal Tap's first albums.)

Law 28: (Paul McCartney's Law.) If you publicly announce that you cannot read or write musical notations, do not be surprised if the world goes "Well, that explains it."

Law 29: Everyone who still considers themselves a hippie will be placed in a cryogenic freezing tube and only revived when either a: Being a hippie is back in style or b: The end of the world. Whichever comes first.

Law 30: Neil Young must finally make up his mind for good. Is he in CSNY or not?

Law 31: You are allowed only one (1) sequel to a previous album. Breaking this law means you have to change your name to Meatloaf.

Law 32: One album of duets is fine, two is acceptable, after that you are washed up.

Law 33: The number of Greatest hits albums is directly proportional to how washed up you are. Do you hear me Chicago!?!?!?!

Law 34: Spirituality is fine. Push it too far and you'll end up making duet albums. (See Law 32 and Santana.)

Law 35: Merchandising is fine. Pushing it too far means you'll end up with something called the Kiss Army.

Law 36: The Grateful Dead is done, over, kaput. Any band that tries to be the new Grateful Dead is hereby punished by getting The Grateful Dead's fans.

Law 37: You don't tell me how to vote, I won't tell you you were washed up fifteen years ago. Agreed?

Law 38: You are allowed to sign one (1) song of yours to be a TV commercial. More than one and you must shave your head, spout pseudo-political and pseudo-philosophical rantings and become a dance music vegetarian. Helooooooooo Moby!

Law 38: You are allowed to sign only one (1) song of yours into a TV theme song. This law does not count if the TV show features men dressed as women.

Law 39: One song is a tribute. Two songs is weird. Three songs is a potential stalker. An entire album is grounds for the insanity plea. I'm looking at you Oasis!

Law 40: Yelling "Rock And Roll" at the beginning of a party shows your age. That is punishment enough.

And there you have it folks. Forty laws that I feel will bring Rock and Roll back to life. Do I expect anyone to follow those laws? nope. Why? Money. Money drives business and business is what Rock and Roll is these days.
Which brings me to the final law.

Law 41: Rock and Roll was the rage against the machine. The voice of the generation that was going to change the world. For everyone who was there and doing it and are now not doing it, your punishment is the most severe. You get to live in the world that, face it, you made.
Have a good day.

Rock and Roll Fantasies.

2006-09-20T22:58:00.000-04:00

Like most people I have a soundtrack to my life. That soundtrack is Rock and Roll. Thanks to my brother Brian I grew up on it. (Although I still say The Who is better than Zepplin.)
There are times I look back and remember the soundtrack with the moments. Like The Who's "We Won't Get Fooled Again" that I listened to before each and every High School exam. Or Rock & Hyde's classic yet little known album "Under The Volcano" that was THE album for me in High School.
How about Pink Floyd's "Another Brick In The Wall: Part Two" that all the kids in grade school kept singing, not realising that there was a whole concept album behind it that I, and only I, out of all those grade schoolers, had listened to.
How about this. Brian had a book of interviews from the Rolling Stone magazine. I borrowed the book and was reading it on the bus to school. Another kid saw what I was reading and proudly proclaimed "I hate the Rolling Stones!"
And yet that music I love so much has grown up around me and is no longer the same as I remember it. Like most middle agers it has grown a bit around the waist and slowed down a bit.
But I have the solution. I know where to cut the fat and make Rock and Roll what it once was.
And it is with this that I proudly present Gord's Laws of Rock and Roll #'s One to Twenty.

Law One: Any song that uses the phrase Rock and Roll in a positive sense MUST be a genuine Rock and Roll song. (Aj and Aly, I am looking at you!)

Law Two: Rap is not Rock and Roll. Rap is it's own thing so don't insult both of them by placing them together. Just give Rap it's own damn hall of fame.

Law Three: No one, no where, at no time may cover American Pie again! (Thanks to Madonna for ruining that one for us.)

Law Four: Any Rock and Roller who releases two consecutive albums of mostly slow music can no longer be called a Rock and Roller. (Goodbye Bruce Springsteen.)

Law Five: There is no such thing as New (or Neo) Punk. You are Punk or you are not Punk. End of story.

Law Six: No band formed after 1977 can call itself Punk. The Sex Pistols were Punk. The Clash were Punk. Green Day is not Punk.

Law Seven: Hair Metal will hereby stay dead.

Law Eight: U2 no longer has the moral authority to perform any song from their first five albums. Infraction of this law comes with a punishment of listening to the complete political speeches of Bono in one sitting. (That'll teach him.)

Law Nine: The 80's New Wave never happened. Do you hear me, IT NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!

Law Ten: Any hot guitar chick who becomes a fat bloated guitar chick is hereby forced into retirement.

Law Eleven: Double standards still apply.

Law Twelve: Country, in any form, is not Rock and Roll. I don't care what you thought of Johnny Cash.

Law Thirteen: (Otherwise known as Rod Stewart's Law) You are allowed one (1) album of standards before you will be shot.

Law Fourteen: Any musician or group that compares any of his/her/it's music to any Beatles album will hereby be stripped, shackled and have rotten fruit pelted at them. This goes double if you name is Paul McCartney.

Law Fifteen: Paul McCartney must stop! NOW!

Law Sixteen: Appearance on a reality show is an automatic ejection. (And not the good type.)

Law Seventeen: Multiple wives/lovers at one time stops being cool after fifty. Yes Mick Jagger, I'm pointing at you.

Law Eighteen: No person/band can call it's album by the color on the front. It's been done to death by better people than you.

Law Nineteen: The Eagles touring is no longer interesting.

Law Twenty: If a quorum of your band's members are dead, you can no longer call your band by the same name. (Are you listening The Who?)

Next Post: Oh yes, I have more.

McDonalds Bitch, Bitch, Bitch.

2006-08-08T20:50:00.000-04:00

McDonalds Bitch, Bitch, Bitch.

Something caught my eye this week.  It was a posting by a female (Woman? Girl?  Probably a girl.) at a website called Fast Food News.  Her name is Joanna and she works at a McDonalds in Walker, Louisiana.  Joanna has posted a list of “McRules”, otherwise known as “Things not to do when visiting McDonalds.”
Ladies and Gentlemen, this female (Woman? Girl?  Probably girl.) is the exact reason I do not go to McDonalds anymore.
It’s really simple.  I’m a nice guy.  I worked in both retail and in the restaurant business so I know how crappy people can be.  When I go to a store or a restaurant I am very nice.  I understand, I smile, I joke, I tip well.  If something goes wrong I do not blow my top.
But I can only take so much, and this my friends is it.  This list of things not to do at McDonalds blows my mind.
Instead of ranting and raving, I will post a few points on the list and reply as they apply to me.
Her post is in italics.  I have not changes the spelling or grammar of her points.

“Don't confuse franchises! We don't Biggie size, we don't have onion rings or nachos, and no...you may not "Have it your way."

Nice to know the worlds problems have been solved enough for you to care enough about this little thing.  But you know what, if I want to “Biggie Size”. “Jumbo Size” or “Just fucking give me the big stuff!” I will because I am (wait for it) the customer.  It’s my money paying your salary and I will order whatever way I want.

“If you ordered a burger without pickles and they somehow ended up there anyway... just pick them off because that's all I'm going to do when you bring it back to me to "fix it."

No, I will bring it back and get you to do it, for it was YOUR job to make sure they didn’t get there in the first place.  But hey, if you are willing to knock a few cents off my order for me doing your job, I’ll take it.
BTW:  I always order no pickles and no onions.  The onions are chopped and sprinkled over the cheese so that when I get the burger they are part of a big old ketchup/cheese/onion mess.  Am I expected to go through the burger with a magnifying glass and tweasers to remove that which should not have been there in the first place?
I DON’T THINK SO.
No pickles, no onions.  If you do your job we don’t have a problem, if you don’t do your job then I will dam well make sure you do!

“Don't come into the lobby two minutes before we close. Chances are I've already cleaned, and it will only cause me to do unspeakable things to your (already stale) food.”

Two minutes before closed is still open.  I don’t care if you had just washed the walls to a gleeming shine.  Open is open and when you are open you should be prepared to make food.

“If you don't see tomatoes on the sandwich in the picture don't [f#@%ing] ask me to take them off. The Big Mac has been around for ages... it doesn't have tomatoes.”

Wha??????  Who cares?  If I ask for no tomatoes just ignore it and it will go away.  Seriously, you are investing too much of your life in this job.

“When I hand you your food and say "Have a nice day," you better respond with a smile, a "Thanks, you too," or at least acknowledge my existence. Its called being polite people.Wow.”

Yeah, the same kind of polite you have been on this post.  So what if I don’t reply?  What are you gonna do?  And why is my acknowledging your existance so damn important to you?

“If you dont speak english well, bring an interpreter.. if not dont get upset when your order gets messed up.”

Ah yes, it’s the immigrants fault.  No wonder no one acknowledges your existence.

“Keep your sweaty, wrinkly bills to yourself, along with your sticky change.”

Sweaty, wrinkly bills are still legal tender.  You’ll take them and be happy someone has acknowledged your existence.

“Please dont order a combo and then when i ask what kind of drink you tell me you dont want one. that defeats the whole purpose of ordering a fucking combo idiot!”

I will order what I want HOW I want.  You will take the order how I give it too you.  That’s how this relationship works.

“After you pay, proceed to the next window if noone is in front of you.. Our buisness is over.”

I thought you wanted us to acknowledge your existence?

“Please learn what time breakfast ends and lunch starts. no .. i dont serve burritos all day. This is not jack-in-the-box.”

No.  It’s not my job to memorize your menu by ingredients, learn when you are open and when you no longer serve what.  If I ask for a breakfast item at two in the afternoon all you have to say is “breakfast is no longer being served.”  What is that, three seconds out of your non acknowledged life?

“If your card is declined.. dont ask why and assume its our fault. Put some damn money in the bank cheap ass.”

Except sometimes it is your fault.  So why not just double check and make a customer happy.

“Do realize that i can hear everything you say from the moment you pull up to the speaker till you drive off. so if you're talking shit , dont act so suprised when im not exactly friendly when you get to the window.”

You know what, I don’t care if I am talking about the mean, nasty, ugly things your mother and I got up to last night, you will smile and be polite because it is YOUR JOB!!!!!!!!!

“If im busy taking an order, dont put your money on the ledge and not expect me to do the same thing with your change.”

I expect you to do what is best for the customer.  Is it really that hard for you to understand this?

“I fucking know what PLAIN means.. dont feel the need to include that means "meat and cheese only!"”

That’s funny, because I can think of at least five times in the last year when you didn’t know what “no pickles, no onions” meant.

“Dont order a large ice cream cone.. they're all one size.”

Again, it’s not my job to memorize your menu.

“Dont come through drive thru and then tell the manager at the 2nd window that i was rushing you. Drive thru is SUPPOSED to be fast.”

No, it’s supposed to be right first, fast second.  Again, five times in the last year.

“If you see me having a conversation for a few seconds with the car in front of you.. dont be an asshole and honk your horn.. you will get your food soon enough, chances are it isent even bagged yet.”

I thought drive through was supposed to be fast?

“DONT TALK SHIT as you are leaving the first window. I still have another window i can catch you at..and trust me I WILL.!”

And then you will be fired.  Feel better now?

Listen, as I said above I am a good customer.  I don’t ask for much, but crap like this bothers me.  I hope this person is found out and fired, because she doesn’t deserve to work at McDonalds … or maybe she does.  Can you think of any better punishment?

An Inconvenient Way To Make Money.

2006-08-01T17:49:00.000-04:00

An Inconvenient Way To Make Money.

Global warming has been in the news a lot lately, thanks to former American Vice President Al Gore and his movie “An Inconvenient Truth.”
To say this movie has stirred up debate is an understatement.  People from both sides of the political spectrum have come out swinging.  Unfortunately the arguments have been predictable.  Left wingers say global warming is a fact while right wingers say global warming is a myth.
And Al Gore, well this message on global calamity has gotten his face on TV, newspapers and on the cover of countless magazines.
I’m not here to tell you the “truth” about global warming, mainly because I don’t know.  But being who I am I thought I’d look at this matter from a different way.  Instead of looking at the message, I thought I’d look at the messenger.
We all know who Al Gore is.  He is a left wing politician and because of that he kinda has to believe in global warming.  But there is something else about Al Gore and this global warming thing I don’t much care for.
You see since Al Gore has been out of political life he has begun giving lectures, mostly on global warming.  For those lectures he gets paid very well.
Now, with this movie his profile gets bigger, and it keeps getting bigger with each magazine his face appears on, and for each public personality that stands up and supports Al Gore his profile gets even bigger.
So what does this mean for Al Gore?  Higher lecture fees.  In other words, thanks to global warming Al Gore is profiting.
Do you see?  It doesn’t matter if Al Gore believes in his message or not, that message is now high profile and making him a lot of money.
So now the question is, can we trust Al Gore?
I say no.  Al Gore cannot be trusted to tell the “truth” (whatever that may be) about Global Warming as long as he is making money at it.
There, I said it and I’m not taking it back.

The thing about global warming that bothers me is science.  No, not THE science, just science in general, or how people depend on science.
It is believed that science gives definite answers.  It does not; it just gives the best answers that it has right now.
Science and the results thereof, changes all the time.  Once upon a time it was believed that black holes were rare, now science tells us that not only are they plentiful but there may actually be one in our own galaxy.  Science changed the result.
Now don’t think I’m bashing science or scientists, I’m not.  Without them we wouldn’t understand the world around us, but science doesn’t just stop at a single result.
“Hey, this telescope shows that Mars is red, well I guess that’s all we need to know.”
Scientists, god bless ‘em, aren’t happy with just knowing one thing, they keep pushing and pushing until they discover something else, sometimes giving us a new perspective and sometimes changing the very fabric of our existence.
So what does this have to do with global warming?  Well, what science tells us today about the Earth’s temperature may be different than what science tells us tomorrow.  Why?  Because science changes.
Remember, in the 70’s we were headed into a new ice age, now science tells us we’re in global warming.  Who knows what science will tell us tomorrow.

Next post:  What science tells us about breasts today may mean bigger breasts tomorrow.  God bless science.

THE ETERNAL QUESTIONS

2006-05-27T16:14:00.000-04:00

THE ETERNAL QUESTIONS

Since the dawn of man we have been asking questions about our world and our place in it.  Questions such as who am I?  Why are we here?  Is there a purpose to this thing called life?
I have a few questions myself, and since the interweb has given me this wonderful opportunity to regurgitate words in a public way, I though I would ask a few of them.

Why?  Why, when Madonna actually had a nice, tight body did she wear loose fitting clothing but now, when she’s overflowing with cellulite, she decides to wear clothes so tight you can tell what religion she is?
And while I’m at it, why does Madonna join religions when she’s just going to end up insulting them?

Why?   Why do young actresses decide that they have to be bone skinny?  Since when did having a little fat on you become a bad thing?
And while we’re at it, if these skinny young actresses are a bad influence to our young, then who influenced them to be so skinny?

How?  How do politicians keep fooling us?  They say they’re different than the other guy’s, they say they care, and yet they get into office and turn out to be just like the last guy’s.  They don’t care, they aren’t different and we keep getting fooled.  I swear, elections are just “my mind control ray is better than your mind control ray” contests.

Why?  Why do celebrities think we care what they think about world events?  Just because you can read a script does not mean you are smarter than, say, a guy who works in a factory, or a gas station, or a book store.  Personally, I don’t care what Susan Sarandon or that guy she hangs around with thinks about anything.  I am a grown man, I can make up my own mind so shut up and go away.

Why?  Why do people listen to celebrities?  They wouldn’t keep yapping if someone wasn’t listening.  But let me ask you this, what makes them smarter than you?  Thanks to the internet you can now access the same information they can, which means you can actually go looking and become informed and make up your own damn mind.  So why don’t you?
Oh yeah, and this goes triple for anyone who belongs to the cult of Oprah.  If the whole Million Little Pieces thing blowing up in her face hasn’t told you that she can be just as stupid as anyone else what will?  So she reads, big deal.  A lot of people read, I read, so what makes her choices better than mine?  Oh yeah, I don’t have a TV show.  Pretty picture box makes people better than you.  (Said in caveman grunts.)
By the way, I don’t care how “New age” Oprah drapes her show.  She’s just as exploitive as Jerry Springer.  Think about that!

And finally, Wha???????????
One of my favorite episodes of South Park is the NAMBLA episode.  It is just hilarious.  I re-watched it today and decided to engage my curiosity and go to the NAMBLA website.
Here it comes folks.  It turns out that NAMBLA has come out against the Iraq War.
WHA???????????????????????
Yes, it’s here.  http://216.220.97.17/iraq1.htm . NAMBLA opposes the war.  I don’t know how to react to this.  It is just ludicrous in concept but … but … I don’t know where to go from here.  It’s just blowing my … it’s making my head sp … I can’t even use a turn of phrase to describe my feeling without it turning dirty.
I guess the best way to express how I feel is to repeat WHAAAAAA????????????????????????

People Are Strange, I mean Stupid.

2006-04-23T22:35:00.000-04:00

Not so long ago a group decided it might be fun to hold a seance. nothing new here, seances go on all the time. But this one was big, really big, so big that I an going to capitalize.
IT WAS BIG.
It was a seance that was to be an attempt to contact the late Princess Diana.
This was such a big deal that they recorded the seance and broadcast it. On Pay Per View, of course. Lord knows we wouldn't want to prove the existence of a life after this without making some money from it.
And money the did make. Eight million dollars worth of PPV subscriptions came in to watch a seance that, and I can't stress this part enough, didn't even contact anyone dead. Not Princess Di, not Dianne Chambers, hell, not even a dead tool and dye maker.
Nothing, Nada, Zip, Zero, Zilch.
And they took in eight million dollars for it.
I mean, they didn't even try to fake it. They were that lazy, and still they made a fortune.
And why did they make this fortune? Because it was gripping television? (Ever been to a "real" seance? You sit in the dark, you hold hands and someone talks in a funny voice. Not good theatre.)
No, they made eight million dollars because people are stupid!
I'll say it again. PEOPLE ARE STUPID!!!!!!!
People believe stupid things. They believe that a lottery win is just around the corner. They believe their train will come in even though all they do is sit on the couch and get fat. They believe that people from the spirit world are just dying to talk to them.
Now, let me add right now that I am not going to bash anyone who believes in a religion. I would never do that for any respectable religion. You believe in God, you believe in Jesus, you believe in heaven. Fine with me. Just don't come knocking on my door when dinner is ready.
But if you believe that Mistress Olga can contact the dead while burning incense in a room full of hanging beads, then you are stupid.
Plain and simple.
These medium are fakes, phonies and scam artists. They can no more talk to the dead then I can get Lindsay Lohan in bed. How do I know this? Simple, I read.
in the late eighteen hundreds a fad known as "Spiritualism" was all the rage. People held seances like we today hold "Any reason to get drunk" parties. Some "Mediums" were making big money by making things float in the dark.
Some people decided that enough is enough and decided to look into this. These men were, for the most part, magicians. Why magicians? Who better to recognize trickery?
These people went out to seances, then went public and exposed how these seances worked. They printed articles, published books and actually did exposures into their shows.
One of the most famous of these was a man called Harry Houdini. He did more to debunk Mediums than any man of his time. So much so that there is a theory that he was killed by spiritualists wanting to shut him up.
One hundred years ago, Harry Houdini proved that Mediums were a scam, and yet today we have eight million dollars worth of stupid people watching people sit around in the dark and contact nothing.
Like I said, people are stupid.

This upcoming Monday, the people who brought you the Princess Di Seance are bring you the John Lennon Seance. Advance reports state that they have captured the voice of John Lennon one one of the microphones VIA the magic of EVP. (Don't ask me to explain EVP, just google it and you'll have a laugh.)
What this means is that they learned a lesson. Last time they got nothing, this time they got something, and it was something that just happens to be easily fake-able. Go figure.
And the worst part, more stupid people will spend hard earned money to see this travesty.
I wonder what Houdini would think? Except that in almost one hundred years of Houdini seances, including the first thirty odd hat his wife held, the man who could escape anything couldn't escape from the other realm.
I think this begs the question. If Houdini couldn't escape, maybe there isn't anything to escape from?

BTW: Magicians still lead the debunking. James "The Amazing" Randi is leading the modern day charge. He's taken on Uri Geller, Nostradamus and phony psychics for decades. He even has a challenge. One million dollars to anyone who can perform or prove a supernatural feat that he and his team cannot debunk.
Surprisingly, no winners so far.
James Randi can be found at http://www.randi.org/.

The Election

2006-01-22T21:03:00.000-05:00

The Election

As many of you may know, tomorrow we Canadians vote in a Federal Election. While I don’t like to count chickens before they hatch, it looks as if the Conservative Party will at least get a minority government, followed by the Liberals, the Bloq, the NDP and the rest. (I’m talking about YOU Green party!)

Now while I am never one to tell another human how they should feel or vote at these times, I’ve got an interesting point of view I thought I would pass along. You may do with it as you wish.

You see, the Liberal Party was voted into power in 1993, and held a Majority until about eighteen months ago when Paul Martin went into his first election as leader.
That is thirteen years of Liberal rule.
That’s enough.

Really, it’s just enough.

I’m not going to talk about scandals, or social programs, or who can marry who and why. It’s not my place to convince you to vote for whomever.
But they have had enough time.
Thirteen years is far too long for any one party to be in charge.

It’s just enough.
Time to move on.

Now let’s say the polls are right and we get a Conservative Minority. Fine, the people, as it were, have spoken. Now let’s say in, oh I don’t know, eighteen months the Conservative Government is toppled and a new election is called.
Let us say at the outcome of that election, the Liberals are back in power.
Fine!
So be it!
Again, the people (as it were) have spoken.
At least then they will have had a break. At least then they will have a good reminder that even they, the self proclaimed “Canada’s natural ruling party” could be knocked down a peg.
It may humble them. (Although I doubt it.)

But that is a hypothetical then, this is a realistic now.
It’s time to move on. It’s time to let someone else drive for a change.
Thirteen years is far, far too long.

Fear & Loathing In Canada

And again the Liberals cry.
“They have a hidden agenda!”

Of course they are. They are a political party. All political parties have hidden agenda’s. If thirteen years of Liberal rule have taught us anything it should be that.
But what is the Conservative agenda?

I don’t know, but I’ll tell you what it isn’t.
It isn’t the end of Gay marriage.
It isn’t the end to abortions.
It isn’t the end to Canada’s so called social safety net.

How do I know?
Simple, because if they tried the Supreme Court would bitch slap them so hard their heads would spin.

The Supreme Court has ruled on Gay marriage. It’s in. If Harper and the Conservatives try anything the Court will rule again, and it’ll be back in. Same goes with abortion and pretty much anything else the Court thinks it should rule on.
Harper knows this. He isn’t stupid. His idea on having a free vote on abortion is a symbolic gesture and, in the end, meaningless. The Court has ruled! The end!

“Wait!” I hear you cry, “Harper can use the Notwithstanding clause.”
Yeah, right. Like he would.
The notwhistanding clause (Is that how you spell it? I don’t know?) was about the only thing about Canada’s constitution that Trudeau got right. It is in there to be a tool, as a last ditch effort.
Ok, what I am saying is that the clause was put in there to screw with Quebec. They try to separate; the Prime Minister invokes the clause, and boom Quebec stays. Using it for anything less than that is political suicide.
Harper knows this. He’s not stupid.

So sit back and relax. The only thing Harper’s going to do is appoint crony’s to plum political posts and throw money at companies that supported him.
In other words, meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

Why Did I Do This Again? (A Warning!)

2006-01-15T16:41:00.000-05:00

I had a fine Christmas.
Over the years I have learned to enjoy Christmas not as a time of gifts (although I do so enjoy getting gifts) but as a time of family. There was a time not so long ago where if I had gotten a bad gift I would have stewed inside for days, today if I get a bad gift I just say thanks that I had gotten anything and let it go to that. (Although I have no idea where my eldest brother and his charming wife got the idea that I drank so much. I still have beer in my fridge from when I last moved four years ago.)
This Christmas, though, the family part was really good, and the gift part was also really good, which makes it an extra good Christmas.
Little did I know that pretty soon I would feel like the stupidest man on the earth.
My Brother Brian, who obviously knows me far better than I know myself, and his lovely family got me the “Atari Flashback 2” game console. What that is is a game console that looks exactly like the old Atari 2600 (only a little smaller) and holds in its internal memory 40 classic Atari games.
This blew my mind. When I was a kid I wanted an Atari sooooooooo badly, but my father refused. He didn’t like the fact that it played “Arcade” games. (Like Pac Man etc.) He eventually purchased me an Intellivision play console, which was actually a bit better than the Atari. This led into our first home computers. Everyone was getting the Commodore Vic 20, and we got a Sinclair ZX-81. (Piece of crap that it was.) Finally my dad saw the light and we were soon proud owners of a Commodore 64, on which I played Arcade style games.
But I digress.
The Atari 2600, for me, was the one that got away. Yes, I actually got a better machine, but come on this was the 2600! This was Atari! And now I have one! Whoooooooooooooo! Rock and Roll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, I got the original game machine and not long after I got the latest and greatest game machine. The Playstation Portable. This wasn’t so much a Christmas gift as a Boxing Day purchase, but I still got it. Along with the PSP I also purchased some games, two of those go under the banner of “Retro gaming.” Which means they are filled with old arcade games that I used to play. Games like Pac Man, Ms. Pac Man, Xevious, Dig Dug, Rolling Thunder, Rally X, Mortal Kombat 1 through 3, things like that.
Now I’m not going to go into a discussion of buying a brand new, top of the line game machine only to play games that are 25 or 30 years old. (I did buy newer games like “Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories.”)
I will get into this. I now have, in my possession, over 80 classic games over two game systems, and I have finally discovered something about myself. About my life and how I’ve led it.
And the discovery is this.
I suck at video games.
Not just any video games, I sucked at the old coin operated arcade games.
Let me give you an example. One of my favorite games was called “Bosconians.” It was a game where you piloted a space ship, where lasers came out of the font and back, and you had to destroy enemy ships and space stations in a meteor and mine riddled area of space.
I loved this game, and was thrilled to find it as part of one of these game compilations. So I’ve been playing it a lot and finally, after being destroyed for the umpteenth time in a row, never getting past level four, I finally turned to my wife and asked the eternal question.
“Why did I play these things so much?”
I mean, I sucked at them. Really, really, really sucked. Yet I played them over and over again until my five dollars a week allowance was gone.
The list is incredible. “Bosconians” – sucked. “Rolling Thunder” – sucked. “Any Pac Game” – sucked. “Defender” – sucked. “Joust” – sucked. Sucked, sucked, sucked.
My God, was I so stupid a child as to not realize that these games I was playing were humiliating me? That I couldn’t move those pixels on the screen in such a way as to not get blown up almost immediately?
For Gods sake, I even knew the pattern you had to take in Pac Man so you could clear the board and not die. (The ghost’s movement was, apparently, the same on each screen on each game.) Yet, I still sucked at it!
I was a stupid, stupid child.
But here’s the catch. I was not alone. Millions of children from that era played those exact same games with the exact same results. Millions upon millions of children in the 80’s and 90’s, all sucking at games they couldn’t stop putting quarter after quarter into.
Was there really a whole generation of children so profoundly stupid as to not realize that they didn’t have a chance to defeat the games?
Sadly, the answer is yes. We were all just really, profoundly stupid.
Now here’s the scary part. Those kids who were so stupid in the 80’s. We’re almost in charge. That’s right, the “boomers” are getting older and pretty soon it will be time for my generation to take over. That means that sooner rather than later the world will be faced with an American President who played video games and lost badly to them.
AND HE WILL BE IN CHARGE OF THE BUTTON!!!!!!!!!!
All over the world it will happen. America, Britain, Canada, Australia. The English speaking world will be run be people who were too stupid to move a yellow pizza slice around a maze, and even stupider to know when to stop putting quarters into these machines.
No wonder Islam is becoming such a powerful force on the world stage. Have you even heard about that video arcade in Kabul?
Ladies and Gentlemen, this will be the litmus test of the future leaders. The media will have no choice then to ask a potential political leader “And what was your high score in Defender?”
Huxley called it a brave new world, but it’s a world I helped make and one I am afraid of.
Fortunately I have this cool retro Atari Flashback to keep my mind off of things.
Stupid “Pitfall!”

More Snow For You!

2005-11-27T20:28:00.000-05:00

Before we rant, let’s take a moment for viewer mail.

“Bet you just can't wait for the 5-10cm that may fall later today.”

This was in response to my rant about how stupid people get when it starts to snow.  The day this was posted there was a call for more snow of up to 5-10cm.
First let me tell you, I have no idea how much 5-10 cm is.  When I was brought up I was raised in that other way to measure stuff.  (I forget what it’s called.)  You know, “feet” instead of “Meters”.  “Inches” instead of “cm”.  That sort of thing.
So even though Canada has long ago switched to metric (A French invention, so no surprise we adopted it.) my brain doesn’t handle metric very well.
As an example, I know inches.  Inches are my friend.  I have a way of measuring inches quite easily.  Twelve inches equal one foot, so if we get five inches of snow that means this much of my dick is covered with snow.  QED!
So snow fell, and there is white stuff on the ground and I have no metric way of telling how much snow there is.  (And I can’t stick my dick in the snow …….. anymore.)
So when you say 5-10 cm of snow, I don’t know, maybe we got it, maybe we didn’t.  All I know is my dick is getting cold out here.

Now, as to those idiots out there, driving these magic boxes on wheels in the snow, let’s just say I was surprised.
My wife drove me to work during the snowfall.  Most people on the road were quite good.  They drove straight at a good constant, but not too fast, speed.  Everyone signaled to change lanes.  Hey, looks like my bad driver in the snow theory was being shot to hell.
Then he appeared.  He was far back at first, but he was speeding and was soon on our tail and apparently not going anywhere.  He was one of THOSE drivers.  You know, he tailgates you, then slows down so there is a bit of room, then speeds up and tailgates again.  I like to call that type “Fuckheadicus Snowdrivervich.”
But he wasn’t done; he finally changed lanes and passed us, and did it again to the next guy.  Then he swerved into the lane in front of up, and did it to the next guy.  As far as I freakin’  know he did it all the way to Timbuktu.

Then came the drive home at 10:30pm.  Once again my wife was at the wheel, once again some freakin’ moron was swerving and tailgating, but this was a special sort of fuck head, for he didn’t have his headlights on.  So not only was he driving like he had driving tourettes, but we could barely see him through the snow and the darkness.  In other words, this was a special kind of moron who didn’t have long left in this world.  And good on it.  As far as I’m concerned this particular type of Homo Sapien deserves to die and thin out the gene pool.

Snow.  Not just a bad white rapper, but good proof that Darwin was wrong.

Next Post:  What the hell.  More about snow and how no two are alike.  (Stupid individual snow, like it’s better than us!)

Let It Snow.

2005-11-20T22:55:00.000-05:00

I don’t know what it is about snow that makes drivers become absolute idiots, but it happens.
Earlier this week we in the Southern Ontario region had our first snowfall, and suddenly everyone started driving like freakin’ idiots.  It was almost as if the snow took away their memories or something.
I imagine it goes like this:
“Dum de dum, I’m driving my car and it’s a good day and I’m speeding a little but not too much and … wait, what’s this?  A white, fluffy substance falling from the sky.  Dear God, what am I doing?  What is this box like thingy I am in and what does this wheel thing my hands are on do?  Hey, there are pedals, I obviously am meant to push one, but which one?  I’ll try the one on the left.  Hey, I’m slowing down, good.  Now I can try and avoid the white fluffy stuff by swerving a lot.”
Canada gets snow every year, and yet every year people react to it as if it’s a new experience.
It must have something to do with the beer.

Stupid Weather

2005-10-22T17:53:00.000-04:00

Stupid Weather!

I know the world is going through a lot right now, environmentally.  From Tsunamis to earthquakes to hurricanes to more hurricanes, it would seem that good old Mother Nature is getting tired of us, and I can see why.  After all, even during the worst of times we humans never fail to be really stupid.
Let’s take the latest hurricane “Wilma” that is right now attacking Cancun, Mexico on it’s way to Florida.  Manu have died, many more will loose their homes, but for one Canadian couple it’s much, much worse.
You see, whenever something like this happens, the local newscasts devote time to people from the area that are in the affected region.  It usually consists of people looking sad and saying things like “I hope they got out in time” or “I just want to hear them call and say they are alright.”
But one mother showed a lot more about her son and daughter in law then she wanted.  Noting they the newlyweds are in Florida for their honeymoon, she recalls a phone conversation she recently had where her son said, “We can’t get a flight out, why didn’t they tell us to evacuate earlier?”
Wha????????  Come on, I knew Wilma was headed to Florida last Tuesday, are you telling me this guy didn’t?
Haven’t they seen the news?  Read a newspaper?  Listened to the radio?  Talked to some locals?  Noticed the heavy rain that isn’t letting up?  Are you telling me that they were so isolated that they had no idea that they had to leave?  What have they been doing?  Ok, stupid question.  It is their honeymoon, but even then, are they really spending ALL their time doing it?  I know for a fact that a man needs at least fifteen minutes to recover, are you telling me he cuddled?
And what about their parents?  Didn’t it cross their minds to phone the happy couple and warn them?
It blows my FREAKIN’ MIND!  These people, all of them, are idiots of the first degree.  Now they have to be holed up in a shelter where, I am assuming, they will actually stop screwing enough to realize where they are and what they are doing there.  Maybe this will teach them to poke their heads up once and awhile.
And to make matters worse, they will probably want a refund for their trip.  Again, it FREAKIN’ BLOWS MY MIND!

Powerball fever gripped parts of America last week.  There were long line up’s at convenience stores and everyone who was interviewed said the same thing.  “I am going to win!”
Well, someone did win, and I’ll make a large bet that it wasn’t you.  Do you finally feel stupid about it?  Do you now realize you wasted your money?  Are you embarrassed yet?
No, I bet you aren’t.  I’m betting that next week you will plop down your hard earned money like the lemming that you are.
No wonder Mother Nature hates us.

Next Post:  Law and Order.  (Ba, bum!)

Lotteries, you and the reason both suck!

2005-10-17T18:35:00.000-04:00

Hey you! Yeah you! You, the guy in the front of the line with a dozen sheets of lottery printouts. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but I’m buying a bottle of Pepsi and a chocolate bar. This is important because you are wasting my time.
Not only that, but you are ripping off the good Macks Milk Franchise Owner because while you are screwing around with your $40 of lottery tickets, and having the good clerk run each of them through the machine because you are too damn lazy to open a newspaper and look, I am actually buying something with a profit margin.
Don’t believe me? Here’s a fact: According to the Ontario Lottery Commission 7.1% of a lottery dollar spent is paid to the retailer in “commissions and bonuses.” That’s 7.1 cents per dollar.
I, on the other hand, am buying a bottle of Pepsi. That’s about $1.75. There is an approx. markup of 50% for each item sold in a convenience store. (50% mark up is standard in retail.) That’s 87.5 cents in profit that goes to Macks Milk and it’s stores. That means that my pop is worth more to the store than your lottery ticket. Same with my chocolate bar.
And on top of that, you’re WASTING MY FREAKIN’ TIME!
The only saving grace here is that between you and me there are four other people, all of whom have $40 in lottery tickets. The more people who buy these tickets then the more worth the stores while it is to carry them. Add to that the fact that people are MORONS about lottery tickets and you have a very profitable business indeed.
Leaving me, five stupid people back, waiting for everyone to have the machine check their tickets (because they are too lazy to open a freakin’ paper) in the hope that they win a lousy $5. Congratulations, you spent several hundred dollars a year on lottery tickets and just won five bucks, you are indeed a brilliance who out shines Einstein.
Oh yes, AND YOU’RE WASTING MY FREAKIN TIME!
Yes, I’ll admit, my time is not that valuable. Odds are I’m going home to watch TV for several hours. But, and this is a big but, I have just as good a chance of FINDING $5 in change under my couch cushions as you do winning $5 in a lottery. And if the lottery is that important to you, than that change is just as important to me, with one big bonus; I WOULD NOT BE WASTING ANYONE’S FREAKIN’ TIME!
Do you get it yet? Do you finally see? Lotteries are a scam! You are not going to win the big one, yet you keep throwing your money at it like some sort of trained monkey. (And I’ve smelled you so that allegory is apt. APT I SAY!)
Here’s an idea, why don’t you work a little overtime, or get a second job, or just stop buying stuff you can’t afford. That is the only way you are going to get any more money because the lottery isn’t going to do anything for you. It’s not your friend; it doesn’t owe you and Karma only works for those who help themselves.
And I cannot stress this part enough; YOU WOULD NOT BE WASTING MY FREAKIN’ TIME!
But hey, what do I know. I’m only 99 monkeys away from Othello anyway.

Next post: Bank machines and you WASTING MY FREAKIN’ TIME!

So what is this all about?

2005-10-16T19:39:00.000-04:00

This is where I tell you what this blog is about. I hate this part. Why is God’s name do I have to waste space going on about what I plan to do when I could just do it?
Sigh. Ok, I’ll follow the rules this time. Just for you. (Don’t you feel special?)

This blog is about me. Me me me me me!
Things tick me off. A lot of things tick me off. I need a place to vent. This is the place.
I am going to rant about people and things that piss me off. That is the “Rant” part of the title. I am also, on occasion, going to rave about something or someone that is good. That is the “Rave” part.
Let me warn you. There will be more rants than raves.

I think I’ve pretty much summed it up. What say we get on with the ranting, shall we?

Next post: Lottery tickets and me!